Blue: Knocked over a bottle of tea tree oil this morning. Came home to a seemingly chill cat and a place that smells like a eucalyptus jungle. Waiting for koalas to show up.
Blue: I'll get you Taco Bell on the way home.
Me: You know the way to my heart.
Blue: Yeah it's a drive through.
paying at the drive through...
Me: Want doll hairs? (dollars)
Blue: No I'd never want you to walk around with a bald doll.
Driving and there's almost accident in front of us...
Blue: What an asshole. Asshole meets asshole. It's like a proctologist convention.
Me: How's your day going?
Blue: Wull fine until my damn laptop started acting up, so I have to use it on its own, it won't connect to my monitor or keyboard, so I'm hunched over going blind. I look like Schroeder from Charlie Brown.
Me: I need sunglasses.
Blue: Here take these...
Me: Are those mine?
Blue: They're the ones you just gave me. I would call you an Indian giver, but that wouldn't be offensive in the least. (I'm half Indian)
Blue: The pain in my belly has gotten worse. So if it's not better in the morning I'm calling the Dr. I had an omelette and that made things worse.
Me: Yeah, maybe steer clear of dairy for a lil bit. Be like the vegans, stick to sticks and leaves.
Blue: Seriously I'm worried that's what its going to come to, giving up dairy and sugar.
Me: Or gluten free...
Blue: I can't even utter those words for myself.
I'm a glutton for gluten.
Though gluten-less may benefit my gluteus.
I'm having too much fun with these words considering they suck.
Me: That must be their answer to the bathroom controversy.
Blue: 'We only care about where you pee, not how you roll.'
Blue: Can you imagine her [Melania Trump] as a First Lady? Like, can you see kids going up to her and hugging her? They'd probably be like, 'Is that even English?'
Me: It's his only experience in foreign affairs.
Blue: So, I'm outside, minding my own damn business.
Suddenly, I get drenched from above.
I look up and some idiot is dumping a whole vase of roses out their window. There were roses falling from the sky. I guess they were fighting with their boyfriend or something. I'm still picking leaves out of my hair.
and THAT is how my day has been.
It shot the romantic appeal of getting roses from a stranger straight to hell.
One- liner of the month: "OMG, time. It is standing still. Like it's trapped in quicksand....and desperately reaching for a cheeseburger."
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You can find other Shit Blue Said here: Vol. 1, Vol. 2, Vol.3.
She is a riot. I think we'd be fast friends.
ReplyDeleteI have said something similar after an essential oils spill, but mine was lavender and involved dogs in spa robes.
Hahahah I can totally picture Schroeder from Charlie Brown before I looked down at the picture. And she makes a great point about not being able to see kids going up and hugging Melania Trump.
ReplyDeleteI love her sense of humor. Can she come to the blate?! Also the sunglasses/Indian giver comment had me LOLing!
ReplyDeleteLOL the Koala and Schroeder ones are cracking me up the most!! hahah I kind of liked that commercial. :) XO - Alexandra
ReplyDeleteSimply Alexandra: My Favorite Things
Hahaha Indian giver. That was awesome. And the gluten one, because all the best things contain gluten.
ReplyDeleteomg the vase one with roses. hilarious! and hahaha to the I'm a glutton for gluten. me too, even though i am one of the gluten less. it's not a fun life but my intestines thank me.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, what are the odds of that person dumping out their vase?! And yes, I definitely wouldn't want to go to the dr to find out I couldn't have dairy...or bread.
ReplyDeleteThe comment about Trump = spot on.
ReplyDelete