Warning: This is a loooong post. And there are no pics. Just sayin!
Last week, my friend E called me. This particular friend only calls me when she needs advice about something. I've grown accustomed to this, and it doesn't really bother me. Usually she calls me looking for relationship advice. This time was a little different.
A little background:
My friend E is 28, same as me. She is graduating with her Master's in Special Education at the end of this week. She has a secure teaching position at a school she's been with for over four years, teaching Special Ed to middle school children in a specialized school. She is currently single, having recently gotten out of a 3 year long relationship, after which she decided (after many long talks and tears) wasn't going anywhere. And she has been living at home with her parents forever, thereby saving lots of money. She also has no debt, student loan or credit cards.
So she calls me, saying that she's been looking into buying a condo in one of the nicest areas in her hometown. She says that she feels ready to move out on her own, and that it wouldn't be
that different, as she's in the same town as her parents so she can go home for dinner if she wanted to, and would be taking same commute route, same doctors, grocery store, etc. She describes the place: a renovated one bedroom, with one brick exposed wall, and cathedral ceilings (swoon). She explains that some work would need to be done to the floors, she would have to put in doors (previous owner was a hippie type who used took out all the doors and replaced with fabric), and would have to hire a painter (for the cathedral ceilings). But her friend's dad is a contractor, so she could get a deal.
Perfect.
She also tells me that she found the apartment through a coworker who also does realty, and she was able to talk the owner down from $275,000 to $217,000.
This sounds like a dream! I thought.
Then she starts asking me about budgets, since I have been living on my own (or with roommates, and now with C) for years. What's are reasonable grocery/utilities/entertainment budgets? We compare some numbers, and she is right on track.
And then she gets to the actual question: So what do you think? Should I buy it?
As I stated above, I've lived either with roommates or completely on my own since college. And I've loved it, especially living by myself. Granted, I didn't have cable, my cupboards were filled with plastic cups and paper plates, and the pantry and fridge were full of microwave foods, but I loved every minute of it. I loved the freedom, the ability to go out or stay in whenever I wanted, and just having my own space.
And I never got lonely. Maybe this is because I'm an only child and have found ways to entertain myself, I'm not sure. But loneliness wasn't a feeling I experienced until after I met C and wanted to be with him allthetime.
However, I know E. I've known her since freshman year of high school. She's one of those girls who likes to be home a lot ("homebody" sounds kinda harsh), and also always likes to be in a relationship, whether it was good or bad 9not bad like abusive, more like not right for her). And, she did move out one time. She rented an apartment in her hometown, and didn't last one month because of loneliness.
So of course, this was a loaded question. I answered tentatively, bring up the fact that she tried it before, and didn't like it. "But this time it's different," she argued. "That was 3-4 years ago, I'm older and more mature now. I'm ready. And I was
renting instead of
buying my own place." (She brought this point up several times, though I don't see how renting vs. buying would change her emotions away from loneliness.)
She made a sound case, and generally, when people say they're ready, they are. Though at first I was tentative about my answer, I support my friends, and she made it seem like she had already made the decision, and just wanted confirmation that she was making the right choice. So I agreed, "I think that you're getting a super deal, you have a great contractor who is a friend, it's a nice area and you're close to home. It seems great!"
(Sidenote: It really DID seem great- I wasn't just saying this to agree with her.)
But of course, this wasn't the end of it. "Do you think I'll be lonely?" and "What do you think guys will think of me if I live at home vs. if I have my own place?"
Oi vey. There it was. Loneliness and how she would be perceived by men.
I could only tell her how I dealt, and any friends I had. I mentioned one who
had been lonely, and how she combated it. "Join some clubs. Get involved. Get out. Take a more active role in hobbies you're already interested in. Go to the gym. Volunteer. My friend volunteers at Petco every Saturday for 2 hours and loves it (E loves animals). This way, you'll broaden your network, meet more people, and learn more about things you already like."
As I said it (and now, as I'm typing it), it all sounds like something straight out of a self-help book, but I tried to be as helpful as possible.
"As for guys, I don't think I've met any who took a particular interest in where I lived, as long as it wasn't in like, a different state. I really don't think they'll care if you live at home or not." Honestly, I have no idea about this, but again, I was trying to be supportive here.
By the end of the conversation, it was decided: she was going to buy. YAY!
Until two hours later, when she texted me saying she was in tears because she was afraid of being lonely. I tried to tell her to take her time, she didn't have to rush into any major decisions right away, let the idea sink in, make a pro-con list (people do that right?), and do whatever
felt right.
The next day, she withdrew her offer.
I know she's upset about it (she kept calling herself a loser, etc). But I don't know what else to say to her. I hope she didn't feel like I was pushing her one way or another. And I don't want her to think that I think less of her because I was so comfortable being on my own and she's not. I know everyone is different- we react to changes differently, we have different areas of comfort, and we're ready for certain life milestones at different times. I'm happy for her that she made a decision she felt comfortable with, instead of rushing into something she wasn't ready for. I know when the time is right, she'll know, and be just fine.
If you made it this far- Thank you! Has something like this ever happened to you or someone you know? I'd love to hear your stories!