Fear

People can be scared of lots of different things- spiders, heights, and clowns come to mind first.

I wouldn't say I'm scared of many things. Clowns, yes, because I saw that Stephen King movie "It" when I was too young at a friend's sleepover and then her stepdad decided it would be funny to come into the bedroom right before lights out with a damn clown mask on and a knife.... so mean. It seriously scarred me. Death scares me, because it's so definitive and unknown. How can you prepare for that? Will it hurt? When will it happen? What happens afterwards? There are just to many unknowns for me to be comfortable with the idea.

But another thing that I'm afraid of, and one that I've become more aware of as I've gotten older, is the fear of change. 

I know change can be good; that it usually is good. But that doesn't mean that taking a leap into the unknown is less scary, at least not for me. I think this is why I put off serious decisions; ones that will have a huge impact on my life. I believe the reason why I've never quit a job, even when I knew it wasn't the right fit for me. Or why I let a relationship go on, long past its expiration date. Or why I stuck with my degree, even after I realized I didn't want a career in that field.

It takes me a very long time to process big changes. I'm not sure if that's true for everyone, but I know it's true for me. It took me several months to decide to leave a guy who wasn't right for me. It took me that long just to open up to anyone else about it, because I don't like talking to even my closest friends about deeply personal problems.

I think part of my issue is that once I commit to something- whether it be a job, a project, a person, an idea- I am committed, wholly and completely. It may take me a while to commit, but once I do, I give it my absolute all, and failure is not an option. (Which may be another fear, but that's a whooooole other post).

At this point, I'm at a crossroads in both my career and my schooling. To be quite honest, my work situation is on shaky ground. We've had some major organizational changes, to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if my boss was "looking for other opportunities." My department consists of 3 people (including myself), and it just seems that he's pulling at straws to find us work to do recently. I liked what I was doing before, but this lack of productivity is really taking a toll on me, and I'm not sure things will pick up due to inter-office political BS.

I am committed to this job. I liked the work I was doing; I felt like I was really helping people. I love my coworkers (even if they sometimes annoy me). I love the location. But...

I saw another position at my company. This new job is more techy, and I'm not positive that I could get it. But I do know that I have some of the experience they're looking for, I've been working with the hiring manager for awhile (in my current role), and it's more money. It's a department where I may have more room for growth, but I may not as well. 

I don't know where my current jobs stands, and how long I'll have it. And if I lose my job, I lose my chance at the free grad classes (perks of working at a college/university). Not that I want a degree in anything that I can get here, but I was looking into the Project Management Certificate at least. All I need is ONE more course to get it, but in order to take the one class, I need to apply for a full graduate program. Which I thought meant I had to take the GRE and apply, but I recently found out that because I have 5+ years of work experience, the GRE is excused.  Huh. So now what's my excuse?

Fear.