"I love [insert boyfriend's name here]!! Yum yum yum"
Seriously? Of course you love your boyfriend. Very happy for you, but you feel the need to announce it on FB? And "yum"? Ew.
"As of September 28th, 2015 at 8:03 am Eastern standard time, I do not give Facebook or any entities associated with Facebook permission to use my pictures, information, or posts, both past and future. By this statement, I give notice to Facebook it is strictly forbidden to disclose, copy, distribute, or take any other action against me based on this profile and/or its contents. The content of this profile is private and confidential information. The violation of privacy can be punished by law (UCC 1-308- 1 1 308-103 and the Rome Statute). NOTE: Facebook is now a public entity. All members must post a note like this. If you prefer, you can copy and paste this version. If you do not publish a statement atleast once it will be tactically allowing the use of your photos, as well as the information contained in the profile status updates. DO NOT SHARE. You MUST copy and paste"
Sounds fishy. And I hate being ordered around... I don't MUST gotta do anything.
*Any time you post yet ANOTHER car or boob selfie*
AGAIN??!
AGAIN??!
*Any time you post a picture of a newborn*
Ew ew ew ew ew. Can you at least wait until they clean him/her up though???
Ew ew ew ew ew. Can you at least wait until they clean him/her up though???
"I thought of you and I do believe in Karma. This is for u ,Read till the end! I sent an angel to watch over you last night, but it came back and asked "why?" The angel said, "angels don't watch over angels!" twenty angels are in your world. Ten are sleeping, nine of them are playing and one is reading this message. The universe has seen you struggling with some things and says it over. a blessing is coming your way. If you believe in Karma send this message to 14 friends including me, if I don't get it back I guess I'm not one of them. As soon as you get 5 replies, someone you love will quietly surprise you... Not joking. Pass this message on. Please don't ignore it. you are being tested and Karma is going to fix two big things tonight in your favor. If you believe in Karma drop everything and pass it on TOMORROW WILL BE THE BEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE. DON'T BREAK THIS. SEND THIS TO 14 FRIENDS IN 10 MINUTES IT'S NOT THAT HARD. WHOEVER SENT THIS TO YOU MUST CARE ABOUT YOU Just hold your finger on it n it should say forward"
Chain letters are still a thing? I really hate getting these. I don't want 10 years of bad luck or whatever. But I don't want to send it. Wait- who sent this to me? Ugh.
"Today I was told an interesting story about "this crazy drunk girl" Barry brought home "this one time" who hugged and kissed everyone, and the cat. Yeah, it was about me."
Aren't we a bit old for "crazy" drunk stories? You can be drunk without telling the whole internets about it, geez.
"And screaming and cursing has begun."
"Trying to get information from (ex-husband) is like nailing jello to a wall."
"*internal screaming*"
Wow, way to air out ALL your dirty laundry...
"The worst part about this divorce is that I'm going to miss the looks on people's faces when they ask like "awww where did you meet your husband" and im like "at his wedding" because its been kinda awesome."
That's "awesome" to you? You sound like a ho. A ho whom I would def NOT invite to my wedding.
"Starting the laundry, cleaning the kitchen, doing dishes, taking care of the pets, taking the garbage out & finally starting my day..👍"
Way to go rock star- you're adulting really well today! (sarcasm)
"For a friend:
I am very selective when it comes to befriending friends and family, but I'm doing this once and once only, so now's your chance.........It occurs to me that for each and every one of you on my friends list, I catch myself looking at your pictures, sharing jokes and news, as well as support during good and bad times. I am also happy to have you among my friends. We will see who will take the time to read this message until the end....... If you appreciate your friends and family from all over the world, copy this into your status, even if it's just for a minute. I'm going to be watching to see who takes care of the friendship, just like me. Thank you all for being a part of my life. Copy and paste this. DON'T SHARE!! If no one reads my wall, this should be a very short experiment. So, if you read this, leave one word as to how we met. Only ONE word, then copy & paste this to your wall so I can leave a word for you."
Wait... who are you again?
"I intend to fill Facebook with comic book heroes to fight the saturation of negative images and videos. Give me a like and I'll assign you a character."
Well that's cute, but no.
*Any time you share a FB profile with you husband/wife/significant other*
Trust issues, much?
*Any time you create an FB profile for your pet... and "it" friend requests me*
THIS IS SO DUMB. *decline*
*Any time we haven't spoken in 10+ years but you tag me on some quiz/survey you just took*
Just.... no.
"The deflation of loyalty from Beef [guy's nickname] eyes: ride or die.. Those who know me I know it's 2015 I live and die by the sword ! Brudda hood , friendship, and loyalty mean everything to me ! Those who know and love me. know that I am the most loyal mother fucker around ! I will give my life for anyone close to me friend or family ! But seems like I've my eyes that's hard to come by !! So I ask those who really care show ur love and Those who don't ? I'm sorry that ur alone !"
I had to read that at least twice just to understand what it was saying.
The "sword"? What sword? You don't even own a sword, "Brudda."
*Any time you post a picture of your injury*
Ew ew ew ew ew (particularly if there's blood).
*Any time you post song lyrics*
"I've felt the hate rise up in me...
Kneel down and clear the stone of leaves...
I wander out where you can't see...
Inside my shell I wait and bleed..."
This isn't your away message. Also, stop Vague-booking.
"Twas Hamstring and Glute day... finalized with some abs. Ever since starting crossfit/ strongman I've had to up the ante on my core training. Upping my#s in weights has definitely changed my physique from my once bikini body, I'm still adjusting (with my body image and lack of clothes besides spandex that fit)."
OMG WHO CARES??! Also, this:
"Pretty how it sums up about the opinion of others. I will say what I want. Do I offend? I reeeaallllyyy DO NOT CARE! Either you like or respect me for my honesty or you can double time your ass right on out my life and only care to hear what appeases your coddled mindset . Just watch what you say behind my back. Next in line!"
Le sigh.
Wait- coddled mindset? That sounds weird. I don't think that's used correctly...
*Political or religious rants*
Oh boy, here we go... wow you're dumb. SERIOUSLY? DID YOU EVEN READ THE BIBLE? No no no no... I can't believe people like this are allowed to vote... etc. etc.
Seriously, on that facebook thing. No thanks. I love all the sassy gifs you have!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh this is the best idea for a post! I HATE any forms of those chain letters. The tell me how we met, the Facebook is charging for privacy thing which is clearly not real, the comic book character thing...just NO. NO NO NO. And I HATE the constant complaining. I have a pseudo-relative whose posts are back and forth from constant complaining about how hard her life is to constant bragging about how awesome her life is. 1. You're contradicting yourself. 2. NO ONE CARES EITHER WAY!
ReplyDeleteCOMPLETELY AGREE!!! About time someone shouted it from the roof tops. I get annoyed on FB when someone creates a profile for their kid, said kid is say 2 or 3 or well under puberty...why the hell do they need a FB page?! I don't care to see their "selfies" or hear about what they watched, ate, or did all day. Its really annoying, plus they cant actually use FB so why do they need a profile?...just another way to give weirdos access to your kids.
ReplyDeleteGreat post, happy hump day!
Ha! I wanted to use actual status updates in my post, but I thought it was too risky. The one here that I'm guilty of is injury pictures. They don't gross me out so I don't have a good sense of what's too much. I HATE when people get all sassy and tell the world they can say whatever they want and to just deal with it. Uh, yeah, you can say whatever you want, and so can everyone else. Your right to speak your mind doesn't negate that right for everyone else...
ReplyDeleteI also hate the "share this if you're my real friend" and the chain messages! I've gotten a couple that were "for ladies only" and you were supposed to put "I'm __ months and craving __" with a number and a food item based off your birthday. That's so stupid! I have no desire to make everyone think I'm pregnant just to play some stupid game or get attention or whatever the point of it was.
I love FB but I hate the passive aggressive and attention seeking statuses.
ReplyDeleteAfter much though and consideration, I got rid of my facebook page. I couldn't take the drama anymore. It was just over the top and ridiculous. Getting rid of it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I don't miss it at all.
ReplyDeleteHilarious! And, I agree with so many of these. Beef (that's a person, right?) likes to use exclamation marks, doesn't he? Too many religious and political posts makes me hide people. That is really the only reason I hide anyone.
ReplyDeleteAll of these are exactly why I've stopped using facebook for anything other than communicating with two groups I'm in (it's just easier than email) and messaging with people overseas. I know it's for "sharing your lives" but some people really could stand to be a little more discriminating with the way they present themselves and their relationships online. I wonder how many people end up regretting all the smack they talk on exes on there. Also, that "privacy revoking" message people are all of a sudden posting again is completely useless and they're crazy if they think Facebook doesn't have a workaround to this dumb status share worked into their terms of use. *headache kicking in*
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Erin shared this on her blog and I am so glad I came and checked it out! Hillarious! I've seen EVERY SINGLE ONE of these. Well maybe not the crazy divorce ones, but all the rest. And seriously why are these people allowed on the internet! Thanks so much for sharing and for the laugh!
ReplyDeleteOh sweet Jesus I love this! Yes to everything! But um, those song lyrics... that's Slipknot, and I heart them so I'm pretending you didn't write that one :)
ReplyDeleteSometimes I post lyrics, but they're clearly lyrics because I add the music notes. Also, it's like once every 6 months it happens. But everything else on this list? YESSSSSS!
Hahah oh my gosh I love this post! haha Totally being featured in the SBC tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteMY favourite was when my cousins fiance decided to ask her facebook friends if he should have the snip or not. I couldn't help but think WTF!
ReplyDeleteHaha, looks like you need to unfollow some of your "friends" on FB. That's what I do every time I see a dumb FB status which is often. My biggest issue right on FB right now is my mother. She writes a status and tags me in it - it's like no ma you need to post that on my wall. Also this occurs at least every other day.
ReplyDelete