"Promise me
You'll always be
Happy by my side
I promise to
Sing to you
When all the music dies"
I may have mentioned this before, but a lot of my friends have recently gotten engaged. Over the weekend, I learned of three more engagements- and I'm happy for all of them! But not everyone is feeling the same...
Sunday night, I was having a "catch up" convo with one of my friends from high school. She was asking for advice as to whether she should stay with her boyfriend of a little over two years. As she explained, she wants to get married, have kids, and buy a house, and when she asked him last year if he could visualize them being married, he (looking like a deer caught in headlights) said no, and that he was scared.
She asked him again this year, with the exact same response.
He's just really happy with where they are. But he's 37, and she's 27. And she wants to move to the next level. Not right this second, but she would like some promise for the future, like getting engaged in the next year or two. She would at least like for him to be able to see them being happily married. And he simply said he couldn't do that.
I understand her point. Should she wait for him to come around? How long would it take for him to "be ready"? And though he treats her right and they're seemingly happy, she's always going to have this nagging feeling about them not moving forward, which could spoil the relationship. And she doesn't want to keep bringing it up either, she just wants him to have a different answer.
I respect the fact that he told her honestly what he feels about the whole thing. He could have easily lied to her just to
But- in the whole conversation- she never mentioned once that she wanted to be married to him. She said that she loved him, but nothing like he was "the one." Nothing like she couldn't or wouldn't want to be without him. There was nothing about him period. Well, except that she is dating him. And she can see herself married to him. And starting a family. I didn't ask her if she thought he would be a faithful husband (she thought he was cheating on her for about a month, more than once) or if he seemed like father material (she's never mentioned him interacting with kids in any capacity). So I don't know what would lead her to see herself with him long term, but I suppose she has her reasons.
I feel like her focus is off. Or maybe she just didn't express these thoughts to me and was trying to think rationally rather than emotionally. I just always assumed that if you were considering marrying someone, something should just "click" between you two. It would seem natural, and like you always knew each other. That you're able to work through difficult times together.You could make each other laugh, take care of one another and be there for each other.
But, maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic.
"Forever can never be long enough for me
To feel like I've had long enough with you."
To feel like I've had long enough with you."
Ah, I'm a hopeless romantic, too. As far as your friend, I feel like she's "missing the signs". I would never want to coerce someone into marrying me or settle. I'm not saying she should dump him, but he told her how he feels. People have to change for themselves and not for someone else or it usually won't last.
ReplyDeleteI always say "do you want THAT PERSON or THOSE THINGS"...that's what it comes down to. If you just want the things (house, kids, marriage) then find someone who will give it to you. But if THE PERSON is right, nothing else should matter.
ReplyDeleteBut don't tell anyone I'm not a bitter old single gal. I like hiding my softie side.
oh boy. it sounds like she just wants to be married, but she hasn't necessarily found the one. i am in a similar boat, except i have found the one, but we are not in a financially sound place yet to get married. i'm willing to wait, even though i'm the last of my friends to get there. at first, i was jealous of all of my friends getting married, but now, i honestly realize that even if i never got the ring, i got the guy i want to be with forever. so all marriage really is, is a chance to show off an expensive ring, plan an over the top wedding, and hope that people keep talking about it for a year. what really matters is the relationship.
ReplyDeleteoh and ps - i was exactly like your friend in my last relationship, and it didn't end well. hindsight is always 20/20 so i hope she realizes that if he says he doesn't want it, there's very little chance of changing his mind and if she's not into it, she should stop wasting both of their time. she will find the one, and things will fall into place after that but you can't force love & happiness.
ok, that's all for today :) sorry for this long comment!! hope you are having a good day!
Uh oh! This sounds silly, but has she read "He's Just Not that Into You"? I agree with Mandy's advice, and I don't think she's being bitter, I think she's being realistic :)
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and I'm a new follower :)
@Tangles: I agree completely. Can't change someone unless they want to change themselves.
ReplyDelete@Mandy: yeah, I'm pretty sure right know she's more interested in having "those things." And you're secret is safe ith me!
@Miss Sweet Tea: I'm where you are in my relationship with C. And yes, I'm a little jealous of my friends too, but I'd rather we be financially stable before we get married. I know we'll get there someday and that's enough for me! Unfortunately though, I think she's going to try to "wait until he's ready" whatever that means. Just like she can't change his mind, I can't change hers!
@Amanda: Haha, I actually don't think she's seen the movie OR read the book! But I guess she wants what she wants and isn't ready to let go yet. Thanks for the follow!
And thanks for all your sweet comments ladies!
Oh I totally feel for your friend. I agree that it was good on his part that he was honest with her but I man that's a hard spot to be in. If I was in her shoes I think I'd move on. If she doesn't have that He's the One feeling and he's not ready to get married after being together that long then maybe it isn't meant to be. I'm a romantic and I want someone to WANT to marry me.
ReplyDelete