Confession: A Delayed Christmas

I always have a hard time when it comes to "The Holidays."  I don't really have any "grand" family memories of Thanksgiving, or Christmas for that matter. I know that at one point I did experience them; there are pics of me as a toddler with my grandma cooking, my father, Christmas trees and presents, etc. etc., but I don't remember this. My dad left when I was little, my grandma passed away the summer before my sophomore year in college, and my grandfather lived in Puerto Rico, which is ridiculously expensive to get to during any holiday season,... not to mention we never really did holidays with him.What I remember of childhood Christmases is a lot of Chinese food and movie theater marathons.

I guess my issues with the holiday started when I was a Sophomore in college, and I thought I had met "The One." He wanted to make me part of his family seemingly immediately. We had started "officially" dating in January, so I didn't have to deal with any of the holiday split-ups/issues for nearly a year. And I had already met almost all of his family, and gone on vacation with his mom and step-dad.

So, after a lot of pressure on his side, I decided that I'd do Thanksgiving his family, and Christmas with mine. Except my "family" consisted of just my mom.   I suppose I followed through with this plan, at least until Christmas morning. At the time, I was living in an off-campus apartment which I shared with a bunch of graduate students who had gone home for the holidays. My mom was supposed to come up and take me home, which was her idea, even though I could've just taken the bus. Except she never came, or called, or texted, or anything else. She just didn't show up.

For a second I was nervous that something had happened to her on the way over, but then I realized that she had done this on purpose: we had gotten into a fight about who even knows what, so she was just going to leave me alone on Christmas Eve/Day. Maybe she was also pissed that I didn't spend Thanksgiving with her? I have no idea. All I know was that my ex was texting me on Christmas morning, asking what time my mom was coming, and other details, and then hours later she wasn't there (which I regrettably admitted to him), and then he came and got me and I spent it with his family. Don't get me wrong, I really, really liked his family, but I was kinda like... what the Hell, Mom?

I never really got an answer to this question, no matter how many times I asked. She was ignored it. I figured she didn't come because of a fight, and I didn't want to re-hash the fight or talk about it. About a month or so later it was done, and we were back to normal. In the following years, I spent Christmas either swapping Thanksgiving and Christmas with C's family (the other serious ex), at the cemetery where my grandmother was buried, or at a restaurant, and last year, when she came to my apartment and we got into a huge fight (again) and wound up not even speaking for hours on end.

Which brings us to this year. I called and texted to figure out what we were going to do, and she responded that in normal (insert our last name here) fashion, we should "celebrate" it later, on Three Kings Day. I should mention one other thing about my mom- she always thought holidays were fake, and that you should do thing for each other year-round. So, this could be her avoiding the "family holiday" too. But I never agreed with this line of thinking-- not that it shouldn't be celebrated year-round, but that doing things on or for the holiday was "fake."

The other thing that's hard to explain to others is that I would rather be alone in such cases. Christmas is a family holiday, therefore people should be with their families. And if their family wants to hold grudges, well, fine. As much as I may appreciate you "taking me in" for such a  holiday, that's not what I want. I'm not some "little orphan Dani." I've gotten to the point where if I can't be with my family because of whatever dramz we have, I'd rather be alone. And no one seems to get that.

However, the silver lining is that I'll be with Blue's family this year. And I will see and celebrate with my mom, even if it is later, so I'm not mad about it. I'm actually excited about both celebrations! Maybe this will be different, eh? Here's hoping!


What are you confessing today? Any Christmas confessions to share? Link up below! 

**I'll be taking a little break until next week, so I hope everyone has a very Happy Holiday with their loved ones!**